am I back?

I think I am. Back, I mean. I disappeared for a while there, didn't I?

Well, a lot has happened since I last blogged in April of '06. I finished first year of my course with an average grade of a Distinction, and then took a leave of absence. Yep, lots of people have found this odd - except me. See, when I chose to do my course it probably wasn't for best reasons, mainly that other people thought I would enjoy it, and I didn't know what else to do. So here we are now, and I'm out in the workforce. I am happier. But I am feeling a bit lost at the moment. Now I don't know what I want to do, and I only have a part time job so I have a whole lot of time to basically be a home-body. Which, I suppose inevitably, has begun to make me feel a little depressed. I basically look after the house for my family - I clean, I cook, and I'm boring...

I really need a focus. In fact, I'm a bit desperate for a focus. A project. But I can't sow. I can't paint. I spent all of last year taking photos, which made me miserable. I just don't know what to do. Even writing this is making me feel crummy.

I have to come up with something to do for this year - I really can't keep going the way I have been. I am going to visit a shop I used to work at tomorrow to see if they need any extra staff members, to at least use up some more time. And lots of people have suggested that I work hard to save some money and go travelling. I'm a bit chicken though - I'm scared to go somewhere on my own. Yes, I'm not particularly brave. So maybe going somewhere on my own would be hugely beneficial. I've certainly heard stories about travelling changing your life. In fact, a great Aunt of mine was telling me the other day how the six months her daughter spent abroad was the best thing that could have happened to her - it changed her, and made her more independent, and stronger. So that is definitely something I should look into properly.

I really do just want something to fill up my days, so I don't sit around the house - that makes me miserable.

Gosh, hasn't this post turned into something pathetic. In truth, life isn't that bad. I have really been enjoying cooking different recipes, and having time to relax, and work at my favourite job ever - the book store. I have been reading lots. And in all honesty I really enjoy doing clothes washing - it's fun! I just don't like the way I seem to other people... maybe that's the problem, not me... Oh, who the hell knows. I'll just keep on keeping on and see what comes out of following some options. I am only 19, after all.