time for a big-en...

It's about time I caught up this blog with my life, not that there is all that much to write about except the daily activities of an 18 on holidays and planning for university. I know I promised something of substance, something imaginative... I will get there at some stage. Again, I make a promise I will try another day. But it is late and I just feel like writing about the daily goings-on in my life.

I came back from a little family holiday yesterday. We went to a homestead my aunty has just take over. It is beautiful! Luscious gardens, great expanses of nothing but nature, and time to myself to do whatever I wanted. I walked around taking photos one day, then the next I just sat under a tree on the gorgeous green grass all day and read my (700 page) book. I took some night photos of star trails and playing with light (which I may scan and show at some stage). I did a bit of driving. I slept on an incredibly uncomfortable sofa bed (which I ended up ignoring the last night, when I put the foam mattress on the floor so I didn't have metal bars digging into my hip). I relaxed and I enjoyed myself. It was a night little holiday, that's for certain!

While I was away I also got accepted into my university course. I was one of nine year 12 students to get a place - for a total of 22 places. I was so happy about it. I enrol next Wednesday and move on the 18th of February. Most of my friends got what they wanted to! I was excited for them about as much as I was excited for me!

I still have to remind myself (though this will sound dumb) that I really have moved on from high school. In two weeks (when high school goes back) I won't have to get up early to get my school uniform on and go to the start of year assembly. I am no longer a high school student. I am a university student - and it is scaring me silly! I just can't seem to get my head around it.

It may not really be such a big deal to other people, but I wasn't the student who waited for year 12 to come so she could leave. I was the scared, shy unadveturous student who was quite happy staying at high school because she new that (normally) five out of seven days she would get up and put her school uniform on before going to a very well-known, and safe environment. I had all my friends there, I had lovely teachers and I enjoyed the environment. I didn't become excited about university until recently when I realised that I had to think of it as an adventure rather than a fucking scary new part of my life that I might not handle - because the number of people who have succeeded in growing up is phenomenal.

I have to believe I can succeed. I just have to.

I will be moving out of home. Looking after myself. Getting to classes, and getting home from classes by myself. I will be catching the train to visit my family only on weekends and holidays. I won't be with them for breakfast and dinner and a lot of time in between, like I am used to. I will have to create my own new world, though I know the old one will still be there if I need it. And I'm sure I will. I mean, to be completely candid, I cried every night for the first week of high school because growing up just scared me so damn much.

I am a wuss. I am a sook. I am not courageous.

But I can do something if I put my mind to it. So that is what I am going to have to do. Face everything head on, and deal with it the best way I can come up with.

I just have to, because this is life. And it isn't going to just be easy or simple if I want it too. I have to try my hardest and live. Live each day if I must. But I will do it.

I am determined.